Dear President Trump,
Now that the American electorate has spoken in all its wisdom, both friends (i.e. Vladimir Putin) and enemies (i.e. Angela Merkel) alike now know that we are on the path you have laid out in gigantic letters of shining gold toward an “America First” century.
And, by now, you must be busy making good on your pledge to purge our beloved Fatherland of all subversive elements, foreign or domestic.
Nevertheless, I’ve been thinking about how hard it is going to be for us average Americans (although easy for you, given your great talents, intellect and success) to get used to a society purged of Mexicans, assorted other Latinos, and Muslims. After all, they have been woven into the fabric of our society for as long as any of us alive can remember.
So, I’ve been thinking that perhaps what is needed is a bridge to help my fellow Americans get from the inclusiveness of our past to the exclusivity of our future.
That bridge? Food!
More specifically, you might consider as a first cleansing step the immediate closure of any and all ethnic restaurants in America (eat-in, take-out, whatever) from the compromised groups. Cutting out Americans’ access to tacos or tortillas (criminals), hummus or falafel (terrorists), General Tso chicken or Pad Thai (job stealers), while perhaps at first viewed as a painful and overtly vindictive withdrawal process, could eventually erase a key point of contact between the collective Joe Sixpack and the rest of the world. A potential side benefit could be a rapid expansion of low paying jobs at American food chains (let’s not forget your promise on jobs).
This could also cut off a potentially vital means of daily sustenance for the untold hordes of rapists, murderers and terrorists you have so repeatedly cited as the cause of all that ails us. You could sell it as a national security issue!
Of course, this ban would still leave us with foreign foods like pizza and sushi, assuming Italy and Japan are not subsequently compromised.
Once the restaurants are shuttered, the next target could be supermarkets, grocery stores, bodegas and any other supplier who might think of subverting our new history by reminding Americans of what has been surgically excised from our consciousness: Guacamole dip? stripped from the shelves! Pita chips? let them eat potato chips instead!
In closing, I apologize for a communication that has gone beyond 140 characters. But if you have stayed with me until this point, and think this idea has any merit, please give me an advance notice, so that in the spirit of past prohibitions, I can at least stock my pantry and freezer with as many of these illicit items as possible until your impeachment and trial process has run its course, and I can again openly enjoy the fruits of our fellow cultures.